Not Another James and Lily Fic!
by Kevin3
Summary: How many of those James and Lily fics are there! I got tired of reading summary after summary about life at Hogwarts during the Marauder years, centered around the various love affairs of Lily and James, and decided to Spoof them. So there!


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  I tried, but it turned out to violate J.K's legal rights.  Go figure.

**Not Another James and Lily Fic**

"ARGH!" shouted James in anguish.

"What?" came Lily's voice, not looking up from her Transfiguration essay for McGonagall, "problems with potions?"

"No!" shouted James, who then pointed off to his right.

Lily looked at what James was pointing to, and sighed in resignation.  "Oh, calm down," Lily whispered, "We've been so through so many of them before, you probably won't even notice."  She then kidded, "Besides, don't you have that homework for Professor Herbert that's due tomorrow in potions?"

"I'll get to it," James brushed off, and said, "I'm just tired of these Lily and James fics.  Doesn't anyone have anything better to do?"

Lily laughed, and cajoled, "What, aren't our lives interesting?"

James looked at her and said, "It's not that.  It's just, well, we're dead then.  Er… you knew that, right?"

Lily laughed again.  "Of course I knew.  I mean, did you think I wouldn't latch onto that fact?"

James continued, "So it doesn't make any sense.  I mean, if I ate bean burritos on Tuesday doesn't really affect Harry's life in the present… er, I mean, future.  But all of those people out there just can't get enough of us.  Some of them can get downright nasty, too.  I couldn't believe the one a month or two ago.  It seemed to imply that you had an odd relationship with Snape."

Lily looked at James and asked, "What?  You didn't know about the torrid love affair between us?"

Lily smiled as James glared at her, trying to determine whether she was lying or not.  James, however, was quickly distracted as Peter, Remus, and Sirius entered the commons as well.

"Wow," chuckled Remus.

"I couldn't believe the look on his face!" Black laughed.  However, a few seconds later his mood was ruined and he gasped, "No, not again!"

Remus saw where he was looking, and said, "Didn't we just go through this all yesterday?  HEY YOU" he screamed, looking at the author in the corner furiously scribbling notes, "Leave us alone!"

Peter nervously squeaked, "Can I leave?  Those people make me nervous."  The author quickly nodded, and Wormtail skedaddled out of the room.

"I think I might join you," muttered Remus, but found the portrait wouldn't open for him.  "Hey, what's with this?"

The author, without looking up from his parchment, said, "I'm sorry.  You can't leave yet."

Black demanded, "Why can't we leave?  Peter got to!"

The author appeared to be pondering how to phrase the next sentence, and finally looked up.  "I'm sorry.  But I need to get a poignant scene of the four of you.  You know, to show the readers how beautiful life was before… well…"

Black advanced on the author and yelled, "BEFORE WHAT?"

Lily walked to his side and calmly said, "Oh, before James and I die, you get sent to Azkaban, and Remus is forced to quit every job he gets because everyone finds out he's a werewolf."

Black seemed to calm down and muttered, "Oh, yeah."

"Ok!" called the author, flipping to a new roll, "I think I've got enough – you two can leave.  Now, I need to get James and Lily alone.  We're going to do the traditional 'I-Love-You-Beyond-All-Description-Which-Makes-Our-Deaths-So-Much-More-Powerful' scene."

James and Lily both groaned loudly, and James complained, "Can't we skip this one?"

The author simply laughed, still writing.  Lily pleaded, "Come on!  We're just 16 years old!  Can't you do this after we're married or something?  I mean, I get made fun of all the time in Charms.  Everyone calls me Lily Potter, and I've only been going out with James for two weeks!"

The author still didn't answer, and James stormed up to him.  "That's it," Potter cried, "I want to see what you've written."  James looked the parchment over, and read it out loud.

_"Lily, I need to tell you something," whispered James in a soft voice, while looking at Lily._

_Lily looked up, wondering what could upset him so badly.  James ordinarily calm face revealed a depth of emotion which she had never seen before.  And she could tell that those depths were because of her.  "Yes, James," she whispered back._

_"I love you," James called, "I've always loved you.  Ever since I saw you my first year.  Your beautiful hair burned like passionate fire in my mind.  Your eyes were like life itself, nourishing my starved soul.  And your soft, lilting voice was as a siren's call, pulling me irretrievably in, like the sailors of old.  I am yours, and will always be, my love."_

"WHAT!" yelled James loudly.  Lily was trying, and failing, to hold back giggles.

"Read on," Lily called, her hand covering her mouth.  James glared at her, but the author looked pleased at her reaction.  James glowered, but turned back to the parchment.

_"Oh, James," Lily called, running up to him, "I wish… I wish I only knew.  I've felt the same way!  I remember when I was sitting during the sorting ceremony.  The only thing that gave me courage enough was the sight of your deep eyes, looking at me with kindness to bolster any spirit, yet with a fire that both frightened and excited me.  Your hair was a wonderful warning of your unbridled…"_

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Lily, very uncharacteristically, "GET OUT,"  She then grabbed Sirius's beater club, and began to wave it menacingly.  The author quickly got the hint, hastily grabbed his parchment and quill, and left the commons.

James smiled and said, "Calm down, Lily."

"I can't," fumed Lily, "that guy was so irritating." 

James held out his arms, and Lily couldn't help but smile a little.  As she took his hands with hers, and sat by the fire, the portrait opened again.  "And…" called the author, looking in at the pair, writing a few final sentences, "We're done.  Time to post!"

----

Ok, I decided to post another fluff piece.  The first time I did this (Nightmare on Mary Sue Street) I got what I least expected: Flames.  The best one was the two word review which simply read "Please Die."  So when I wrote my second one (But What About Ron) I was expecting more.  In fact, I even encouraged the flames, and asked if anyone could top the 'Please Die.'  However, almost everyone loved that one, and only two people didn't.  And I think one of those didn't get the point of it, and said that the pairings I gave were realistic.  Anyway, the best flame was:

wow...that was...um, interesting. yeah, that's the word. interesting. seriously, (well not really, because i am not that serious) it was kind of lame, but of course you expect those kind of review so i will say (sarcastically, of course): It was wonderful! I have never read such an awesome piece of fanfiction! Ohmigosh...I mean, words can not describe the emotion I felt...ok. i think i am done now.

Anyway, if you think you can surpass the immense sarcasm of this review, I invite you to try!


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